I know I’m going to get some slack from this, so let me save
you the trouble.
“Stop being so sensitive.”
“Maybe you just need to lighten up a little bit.”
“If you don’t want people to say something rude things to
you, maybe you shouldn’t post things online.”
I could go on, but I wouldn’t want to be rude and not leave
something for others to say, I have always had a problem with monopolizing the
conversation. But something happened in
my world last week and I haven’t purged it yet.
And as a writer, sometimes writing is the only way I can make myself
feel better. And I also feel that when
people can actually get the full story, they can have a better understanding of
how and why their behavior affects others. So at the risk of hearing more of
the same thing, here we go.
I run in several online circles, most of them about
music. I am a member of several
different communities online. And for
the most part, my interactions with others are always professional, albeit sometimes
slightly opinionated. This is me we’re talking about. I won’t claim complete innocence. But I am always careful with my words. As a wordsmith of sorts, I understand the
power of the English language. Online it’s
even more powerful. Tone is absent. Intentions are always implied by the reader
not the writer. Even on the occasions where
I participate in “trolling” behavior, I do so in a pretty benevolent
manner. I’m usually the butt of my own
jokes. I say dumb things to watch how
others react. And what I’ve come to find is that in either
situation there is generally a lack of seeking.
Online, it just seems that most people don’t seek to understand.
Last week, my world was turned upside down when my business
and business intentions became the target of some rather unwarranted verbal online
hazing. In retrospect, it really wasn’t
that bad. I probably could have just let
it slide. My form of art, creating pins,
is not very high up on the fan art spectrum. Many folks who have never
engrossed themselves in the taxing and lengthy process of creating one of these
miniature pieces have no idea what the process entails. Nor do they understand the financial
investment or business model that needs to be followed in order to run a
successful venture. My tiny one bedroom apartment is overrun with bubble wrap
and packing materials. I spend hours sorting,
processing and protecting each little piece to ensure its safe arrival. Hours are also spent designing artwork and
exchanging emails with the production company tweaking small minor
details. We made one pin that included
thirty three revisions to the artwork. But I don’t broadcast these details to the
world. It’s a labor of love. I do it because it brings me joy.
Long story short, we (my fiancé and I) released a pin that
caused a bit of a stir. Mainly because
it included a “lyrical misinterpretation”.
Simply put, we included the lyrics as we heard them, and they were wrong. We knew when we made the pin that the lyrics
might be wrong. Even the bands fan based
website had the lyrics wrong. But as
artists we thought, “this design is how we hear it”. This design is the image that we see when we
hear this song. So hardcore fans of the band lost it and the downward decent
began.
Now this is where things get tricky. As a writer, dancer, singer and performer I
understand critics. I am, as a music
writer, a critic. I have no problem with
people taking issue with my art. For
every one person that is vocally obnoxious about not liking your art, there are
probably three silent fans admiring it.
But what happened, as folks are often known to do the internet, was that
they made it personal. Folks that have
never spent a second in my presence or know nothing about me personally became
vicious. And this is where I have a
problem with the anonymity and whimsy of the internet.
I received personal messages from people calling me a scam artist. I was accused of not being a big enough fan to produce fan art. I was belittled and embarrassed in front of an entire community of people that I thought I had a bonding common interest with simply because people with fast fingers and inflated egos didn’t get our art. Art, like music, isn’t for everyone to get. That’s the beauty and power of art. It speaks to different people on different levels. But when you are willing to personally attack others and their character with slanderous remarks never having made a single attempt to know or understand their intent or vision, you also have no idea the disastrous chain of events that you may set off in someone’s life.
Now, this is the point where I open up my heart, mind and
spirit in the hopes that others can better understand how their actions affect
others. Here is what some folks know,
but others may not. When your response
to someone is to “lighten up” or “don’t be so sensitive”, you are assuming that
their emotional state is the same as yours.
But we all know from our daily interactions with friends, family, and
co-workers that this isn’t always the case.
A little over a year ago, I was hit with a bombshell. I had a large mass inside my spinal column
that was compressing my spinal cord and causing a loss of sensation and function
on the left side of my body. Over the
course of a year, I would endure 8 MRI’s, 3 visits to the ER, 4 neurological
consults, 2 open spinal surgeries, 16 weeks of unemployment while recovering, 6
weeks of daily radiation treatments while working two job, permanent nerve
damage causing constant pain in my left leg, and 2 months of living with my fiancé
and my mother in a small one bedroom apartment. The emotional and physical
stress of mounting debt, physical pain and sheer exhaustion did me in. But one thing kept me going; the concept of
building a unique little business and spending the summer of 2015 following my
passion of music.
So when my neatly designed little fan art world was
attacked, I crumbled under the weight of the situation. I was blindsided by the negativity. I melted while my fiancé, who has stood by my
side through the past year of tears and heartache, tried desperately to keep it
from happening. The simple fact is that
through all my writers’ sarcasm and tough chic exterior, I’m pretty mushy right
now. The human brain is an organ, just
like the heart or an eye. And my brain
has spent the last year under attack from an exhausting journey. It too needs to heal. And I have been making many changes in my
life to make that happen. I’m just not
there yet. And this experience has
taught me that the internet, even in the most “frendly” of areas, is stilled
filled with trolls or people thinking that they have a right to say whatever to
whomever they please. So for the time, I’m
limiting my online activity. I’m also
letting my fiancé handle the company’s online presence. For all my PR and marketing background, I’m
just not equipped to handle the negative just yet.
I’m 100% positive that the people that sent me those
horrible messages or posted those not so glowing personal assessments didn’t
know any of my back story. And that’s
the problem. Online, people feel free to
make their own assessments with little to no information. And you don’t who that person is on the other
side. You don’t know their joys,
struggles or life journey. I also
learned that for every person that voiced their displeasure with my business,
personal or art choices, I am supported by more people that I could have ever
imagined. Many people came to our
defense; and to those people that did, “thank you”. I’m not willing to let a
few bad apples, spoil the Orchard. And
at least one of the people involved has personally apologized. I’m not sure what changed their mind or their
opinion, but I’m thankful that it did.
I like to believe that all people are inherently good and
kind. And I would just like to remind
everyone that the next time you think that you have the right to put someone
else on blast on the internet, you really don’t. No one has the right to make someone else
feel less about themselves. I have
learned that making other feels great about themselves is the best way to raise
your own self-image. Paying a compliment
and seeing that smile spread across someone’s face is priceless. Giving someone a small token pays off in a
huge way. At least it does for me. It fills my heart with joy and love. And that feels pretty good. So in the age of the internet, social media
and high tech communication, I’ve decided to just get back to basics. I’m sure glad I didn’t have to face this kind
of viral lifestyle when I was in high school.
As a highly sensitive person, I don’t think I would have made it. The
internet is not real life. It’s a skewed
view of the world dictated by people that want us to see things a certain way-
their way. And I had forgotten
that. Thankfully, a wise man wrote a
song that reminds me about what’s truly important.
“Stop staring at the screens; Stop countin' on machines
Start
livin' in the world that your eyes were meant to see.”
But
don’t quote me on that. I might have
those lyrics wrong, too.
