Pin Pointing the Problem

I know I’m going to get some slack from this, so let me save you the trouble.

“Stop being so sensitive.”

“Maybe you just need to lighten up a little bit.”

“If you don’t want people to say something rude things to you, maybe you shouldn’t post things online.”

I could go on, but I wouldn’t want to be rude and not leave something for others to say, I have always had a problem with monopolizing the conversation.  But something happened in my world last week and I haven’t purged it yet.  And as a writer, sometimes writing is the only way I can make myself feel better.  And I also feel that when people can actually get the full story, they can have a better understanding of how and why their behavior affects others. So at the risk of hearing more of the same thing, here we go.

I run in several online circles, most of them about music.  I am a member of several different communities online.  And for the most part, my interactions with others are always professional, albeit sometimes slightly opinionated. This is me we’re talking about.  I won’t claim complete innocence.  But I am always careful with my words.  As a wordsmith of sorts, I understand the power of the English language.  Online it’s even more powerful.  Tone is absent.  Intentions are always implied by the reader not the writer.  Even on the occasions where I participate in “trolling” behavior, I do so in a pretty benevolent manner.  I’m usually the butt of my own jokes.  I say dumb things to watch how others react.   And what I’ve come to find is that in either situation there is generally a lack of seeking.  Online, it just seems that most people don’t seek to understand. 

Last week, my world was turned upside down when my business and business intentions became the target of some rather unwarranted verbal online hazing.  In retrospect, it really wasn’t that bad.  I probably could have just let it slide.  My form of art, creating pins, is not very high up on the fan art spectrum. Many folks who have never engrossed themselves in the taxing and lengthy process of creating one of these miniature pieces have no idea what the process entails.  Nor do they understand the financial investment or business model that needs to be followed in order to run a successful venture. My tiny one bedroom apartment is overrun with bubble wrap and packing materials.  I spend hours sorting, processing and protecting each little piece to ensure its safe arrival.  Hours are also spent designing artwork and exchanging emails with the production company tweaking small minor details.  We made one pin that included thirty three revisions to the artwork.  But I don’t broadcast these details to the world.  It’s a labor of love.  I do it because it brings me joy.

Long story short, we (my fiancé and I) released a pin that caused a bit of a stir.  Mainly because it included a “lyrical misinterpretation”.  Simply put, we included the lyrics as we heard them, and they were wrong.  We knew when we made the pin that the lyrics might be wrong.  Even the bands fan based website had the lyrics wrong.  But as artists we thought, “this design is how we hear it”.  This design is the image that we see when we hear this song. So hardcore fans of the band lost it and the downward decent began. 

Now this is where things get tricky.  As a writer, dancer, singer and performer I understand critics.  I am, as a music writer, a critic.  I have no problem with people taking issue with my art.  For every one person that is vocally obnoxious about not liking your art, there are probably three silent fans admiring it.  But what happened, as folks are often known to do the internet, was that they made it personal.  Folks that have never spent a second in my presence or know nothing about me personally became vicious.  And this is where I have a problem with the anonymity and whimsy of the internet.

I received personal messages from people calling me a scam artist.  I was accused of not being a big enough fan to produce fan art.  I was belittled and embarrassed in front of an entire community of people that I thought I had a bonding common interest with simply because people with fast fingers and inflated egos didn’t get our art.  Art, like music, isn’t for everyone to get.  That’s the beauty and power of art.  It speaks to different people on different levels.  But when you are willing to personally attack others and their character with slanderous remarks never having made a single attempt to know or understand their intent or vision, you also have no idea the disastrous chain of events that you may set off in someone’s life.

Now, this is the point where I open up my heart, mind and spirit in the hopes that others can better understand how their actions affect others.  Here is what some folks know, but others may not.  When your response to someone is to “lighten up” or “don’t be so sensitive”, you are assuming that their emotional state is the same as yours.  But we all know from our daily interactions with friends, family, and co-workers that this isn’t always the case.  A little over a year ago, I was hit with a bombshell.  I had a large mass inside my spinal column that was compressing my spinal cord and causing a loss of sensation and function on the left side of my body.  Over the course of a year, I would endure 8 MRI’s, 3 visits to the ER, 4 neurological consults, 2 open spinal surgeries, 16 weeks of unemployment while recovering, 6 weeks of daily radiation treatments while working two job, permanent nerve damage causing constant pain in my left leg, and 2 months of living with my fiancé and my mother in a small one bedroom apartment. The emotional and physical stress of mounting debt, physical pain and sheer exhaustion did me in.  But one thing kept me going; the concept of building a unique little business and spending the summer of 2015 following my passion of music. 

So when my neatly designed little fan art world was attacked, I crumbled under the weight of the situation.  I was blindsided by the negativity.  I melted while my fiancé, who has stood by my side through the past year of tears and heartache, tried desperately to keep it from happening.  The simple fact is that through all my writers’ sarcasm and tough chic exterior, I’m pretty mushy right now.  The human brain is an organ, just like the heart or an eye.  And my brain has spent the last year under attack from an exhausting journey.  It too needs to heal.  And I have been making many changes in my life to make that happen.  I’m just not there yet.  And this experience has taught me that the internet, even in the most “frendly” of areas, is stilled filled with trolls or people thinking that they have a right to say whatever to whomever they please.  So for the time, I’m limiting my online activity.  I’m also letting my fiancé handle the company’s online presence.  For all my PR and marketing background, I’m just not equipped to handle the negative just yet.

I’m 100% positive that the people that sent me those horrible messages or posted those not so glowing personal assessments didn’t know any of my back story.  And that’s the problem.  Online, people feel free to make their own assessments with little to no information.  And you don’t who that person is on the other side.  You don’t know their joys, struggles or life journey.  I also learned that for every person that voiced their displeasure with my business, personal or art choices, I am supported by more people that I could have ever imagined.  Many people came to our defense; and to those people that did, “thank you”. I’m not willing to let a few bad apples, spoil the Orchard.  And at least one of the people involved has personally apologized.  I’m not sure what changed their mind or their opinion, but I’m thankful that it did. 

I like to believe that all people are inherently good and kind.  And I would just like to remind everyone that the next time you think that you have the right to put someone else on blast on the internet, you really don’t.  No one has the right to make someone else feel less about themselves.  I have learned that making other feels great about themselves is the best way to raise your own self-image.  Paying a compliment and seeing that smile spread across someone’s face is priceless.  Giving someone a small token pays off in a huge way.  At least it does for me.  It fills my heart with joy and love.  And that feels pretty good.  So in the age of the internet, social media and high tech communication, I’ve decided to just get back to basics.  I’m sure glad I didn’t have to face this kind of viral lifestyle when I was in high school.  As a highly sensitive person, I don’t think I would have made it. The internet is not real life.  It’s a skewed view of the world dictated by people that want us to see things a certain way- their way.  And I had forgotten that.  Thankfully, a wise man wrote a song that reminds me about what’s truly important.  

“Stop staring at the screens; Stop countin' on machines

Start livin' in the world that your eyes were meant to see.”

But don’t quote me on that.  I might have those lyrics wrong, too.