Why I Twiddle?

I’ve waited on writing this blog for over two weeks.  I simply didn’t know what I wanted to say. I contemplated writing another review of the band after their April 1^st show at Buffalo Iron Works with Kung Fu, but everything I typed seemed so disconnected.  There was something more I wanted to say, but I just needed the time to find it.

There is a simple hard line when it comes to Twiddle.  You either get it or you don’t.  It’s a musical double edge sword that exist for all sorts of bands, but there is something about several bands in this decades old jam scene that creates a powerful division between fans and non-fans.  No one post can create more stir in a Phish group than something about Twiddle. Just like there is nothing better to get an old deadhead in a fury than talking about how great Phish is.  And any of these conversations can get heated is a quick second because everyone is looking for validation that they’ve got it right.  There is something deeper, beyond the music, for many Twiddle fans that fuel that passion.  It’s more than just music.  It’s more than just a band.  It’s a thought process. 

I grew up in a fairly tolerant family.  I attended church growing up but I wasn’t forced to adhere to any strict dogmatic principles in order to grow up with a sense of consciousness. My mother believed that two simple questions could steer you on the right path.  Is the decision you’re about to make going to hurt you or someone else? If the answer was yes, than was it worth the risk to make that decision?  I grew up with a tender heart – constantly worried about what others thought of me.  I was harder on myself than any teacher, parent, coach or adult could ever be.  I was my own worst source of guilt. As a teenager and young adult, I searched for spiritual enlightenment.  Every idea I heard sounded good in theory, but nothing spoke to my heart.  I knew how I wanted to feel inside, but nothing I tried felt quite right. 

I know what you’re thinking, “What does this have to do with Twiddle?” Good question.  And I’ll answer that, trust me. 

In college and the early part of my adult life, I dabbled in all manner of spiritual thought.  Wicca – check.  Judaism – check. New thought – check.  Atheism – check. Science – check. I read. I researched. I studied. No connection.  Just a blank feeling of suspension. What did other people find that I couldn’t?  I eventually stopped searching convinced having a spiritual center was just not something I wasn’t meant to have.  It just didn’t seem that anyone thought about life the same way I did.  I followed my heart too much.  I loved to openly.  I expected the best of people too often.  I dreamt too big. So most of the time, I rolled solo.  And then three words changed my perspective: “Relax and Dream”

When you strip away the fun of Twiddle (which makes them equally endearing), there is a sincere thought process of hope, love, bright energy and acceptance that as a human searching for your tribe, you can hold on to.  When you get past the amazing synergy of an “Apples”, or “Mamune” or “Doinkinbonk” there is an empathic focus on society, healing and love that as a fan you either find or you don’t. 

It sounds silly to say, but there is a message for me in Twiddle’s music that is bigger than just me.  In that regard, I find the lyrical content of the bands message based songs to be so dialed in to my views, that through their music, I  have found what it means to be me.  In a nutshell, it goes like this:

• Finding inner peace, starts within. You are in charge of the way you perceive yourself.
•  Horrible things happen.  The test is not how hard you fall, but how you beautifully your rise.
• There is an energy that exist that if you allow yourself to love without hesitation, your life will be filled with warmth.
• Dreaming is the foundation of success. You have to envision it in order to do it.
• Music can heal you if you allow it to.
• Love the earth.

Fundamentally, I get that some people will read this and question what’s in my Kool-aide? And as far as I am concerned, I don’t care if they do.  Because those six statements beautifully summarize what it means to me to be a person. I am not theorizing that Twiddle holds some larger than life messianic dispatch from beyond.  Or maybe I am.  Is there something so wrong with admitting that someone else has the capacity to be so dialed in to that connective energy that they have the ability to share it with others?  Is there something so erroneous about admitting that in this day and age that someone has the gift to put in to words (and then set it to music) beautiful and prophetic mantras that make getting through this thing we call life a little easier? And is there something so mental about admitting that a group of musicians have philosophies that remind me to be better person or that as a human I am willing to accept those philosophies to be better person.  To me, this is the beauty of Twiddle. 

When someone else tells me they don’t “get it”, I simply smile.  Because if everyone got from Twiddle what I do, it wouldn’t be special. Hugging a total stranger while belting out the words to “Syncopated Healing” isn’t for everyone. Music just isn’t that important to everybody.   Looking over and seeing someone tear up during “When it Rains it Pours” and knowing that just like you, they have used that song to get through the worst of it…there is no explaining that experience. To have spent your whole life being told to quite daydreaming and snap back to reality to finally hear someone tell you it’s okay to just “relax and dream”, that is well worth the price of admission.  Want to know why Twiddle fans funded their Kickstarter in less than 24 hours?   Want to know why the band continues to build its fan base? Because in Twiddle, beyond the music, there is an underlying sincerity and beauty that makes it okay to just be yourself with no apologizes.  And there is no amount of money or success that can qualify finally finding that thing that makes you feel at home and whole.

It has been said that you find the message the most when you need it.  And in my life that couldn’t have been truer. I will always be thankful for it even as the band finds more success and more fans hop on the train. Who knows? Maybe in twenty years, I’ll be at MSG whining about the price of tickets or reminiscing about the good ole days when you could chat with Dempsey before a show or telling people about that one time on Facebook when Mihali commented on my post in ITwiddle. But for now, I am just grateful.  Don’t let the fear of what others think hold you back from finding that place.  Don’t let the fear of someone else’s success scare you into believing that what you hold most sacred won’t always be there.  Once you find it, it’s up to you to keep it in your heart.  After all, isn’t that why we all Twiddle in the first place?

Jimkata 2.0

The Westscott Theater

Syracuse, NY 

February 20, 2015

The Set List

Intro

Die Digital >

Electronic Stone

Legoland

American Cars

Never Let You Down

Concrete Beatdown >

One to Ten >

Baby, Put it on Me

Ride the Wave

Feel in Light

Devil’s in the Details

Nightshade>

Chainstore

Encore

We Can Work it Out

Release

The Review

Change can be daunting for music fans. Line-up alterations can create the worst sense of panic with hardcore fans feeling betrayed by the change. So when it was announced in January that bassist Dave Rossi was leaving Jimkata, dedicated fans of the band idly sat by watching and wondering what the future held for the band. It’s no secret that the outgoing and personable Rossi was a fan favorite.  But surprisingly, there was no outrage, only concern and well wishes. On the surface, it seemed that everything was copasetic, but as a huge fan of the band, I waited with quiet skepticism.

As tour dates were announced, fans began to grow anxious.  The same question appeared on fan pages; who would be filling that spot?  Clearly, the band was continuing, but who was the new guy?  Shortly after tour dates dropped, it was announced that Stephen Learson would be replacing the now departed Rossi on bass duties.  On the surface, Learson, a Berklee trained musician and former bassist and keyboardist for The Indobox, seemed perfect for the job.   But I, like so many Jimkata fans, silently worried that the brotherhood and chemistry that made this band so special would be lost with a new lineup.   Thankfully, I couldn't have been more wrong. The boys kicked off their spring tour in Syracuse at the Westscott Theater on Friday. If Friday  night’s show is any indication of what's to come, fans across the country will be pleasantly surprised by what Jimkata 2.0 has to offer.

Jimkata now feels less like a regional band working for recognition and more like a band on the brink of national success.  There's a new casual tightness about these guys that I hadn’t seen before. It's almost as if they've studied their own music and somehow made it better. A more musically playful and confident Jimkata graced the stage. New nuisances including altered snyth placements, vocal harmonies, new lead-ins and varied song endings show that while on their extended winter break, Jimkata has been finding ways to make their music better without messing with a formula that was already working.  It’s just enough change to make even their most seasoned fans turn their ears. There's a stoic but not cocky confidence in the way that they approach their music now.  These boys seem to be poising themselves for something bigger and I’m not even sure that they are aware of it. In a musical sense, Jimkata is growing.  Overall, the entire band feels more polished.

With a new line-up, I was expecting there to be flaws; not at all an unreasonable probability given that there would be a learning curve.  But that expectation was pleasantly shattered as the band exposed a harmonious synchronization to their performance. Stephen exudes an erudite confidence that has clearly split over to the rest of the band. Replacing a beloved member of a band has to be daunting, but he walked on stage like he belonged there.  There were no apologizes in his company. He wasn’t there to replace someone else.  He was there to create music with his band.  He’s taken ownership with an intense, sexy funk that settles well with the rest of the group.  In bass driven songs like “One to Ten” and “Baby, Put it on Me” he flawlessly drove the sound. His presence carries a serious assertiveness that brings the right amount of rock and drama that the band has been missing. It still feels like the boys of Jimkata are there to create that same celebratory, dance infused, exuberant sound that they’ve come to be known for, but now it seems to be driven with a bigger purpose.

Evan Friedell’s vocals are much more focused with a raw power that feels direct, attuned and sincere. There is a connective energy to the way he handled vocals Saturday night that shows a lack of self-consciousness and more confidence. On the bands newer songs, “Ride the Wave” and “Never Let You Down”, Evan addresses the lyrics with a related resolve that showcases an almost Stanislavski approach to his lyrical delivery.    He seems more vulnerable yet assured in sharing his story.

Even the more reserved and quiet, Aaron Gorsch seems to have let down his walls a little bit.  His solo work on the evening’s performance of “American Cars” was brilliant.  Without even realizing it is happening, he silently sneaks in and melts you. I love the manner in which Aaron handles the guitar in that way.  He doesn’t need to step out front, have a spotlight on him and prove that he can handle his instrument.  Instead, he grabs your attention by softly knocking you over.  You never see it coming, even when you know it’s coming.

Packy Lunn celebrated his birthday Saturday night by driving a rock steady pace to the band’s sound. His foundation work is solid.  He continues to provide a concrete force for the band to build its sound upon. His drum work is defined; I simply can’t fault it.  He plays with a relaxed yet immensely accurate precision that is ultimately responsible for the band’s tightness. Amazing, selfless drummers aren’t given enough credit for the tremendous asset they are to their bands.  Packy doesn’t need showcasing drum solos to prove his skill set.  The fact that you can get lost in the rhythm of the band’s music is proof that he’s there to create a final product that isn’t about him. It’s about the cohesive package that involves three other people.  It’s about the fans and ultimately, it’s about the sound. 

So what is the Jimkata sound? Luckily, that hasn’t changed; it’s simply gotten better. It’s still that celebratory, feel good music that the fans of the band are so passionate about.  But now, it’s presented with a little more of a polished purpose. And trust me, that’s a really good thing. Jimkata even stepped into new territory, striding onstage for the encore by performing an acoustic version of The Beatles classic “We Will Work it Out”, a fitting and mindful reminder that despite the band’s recent changes, there’s always something new around the corner.  In addition, manager and lighting guru Russ Friedell has added a more intense light show to the bands venue presence which ultimately adds a more chic and brightened feel to the bands on-stage persona. 

That brotherhood and camaraderie still exists.  Jimkata is still that powerful package of four guys creating music with each other and for their fans.  Egos are still in check.  Evan and Aaron still flawlessly exchange guitar duties.  The drum and bass synchronization that makes Jimkata so solid is just as good, if not better,  than its always been.  This version of Jimkata will continue to please it's legions of dedicated fans, but will also build upon itself. Expect to see new faces and new fans at every tour stop. 

  

Jimkata will be heading up and down the east coast, as well as venturing to some scattered dates in the west before returning home to Ithaca in April.  Russ assured me the guys are also working out a killer summer run to include several festivals, but I wouldn’t wait until then.  Check out the new line-up at a small venue this spring to fully understand the Jimkata experience. 

The Interview

Before the show, I had a chance to sit down with Evan (with a few interjections from Aaron and Stephen).  Check out the interview to learn more about the band’s Pledgemusic campaign, the songwriting process and small horses vs. large ducks.

Kat: You guys toured pretty extensively last year, what have you been up to since you came off the road?

Evan: We came of the road in November for the longest amount of time in three years. For me, I had moved around a few times and finally in November I kind of had a home again. So it was kind of a weird for a second, getting settled. I think everybody just relaxed for a little while and I did a lot of songwriting. And got ready to write another album.

Kat: Let's talk about the new album. You guys are currently in the middle of a Pledge Music campaign, with what would be your second fan funded album. Tell me a little bit about the importance of a fan funded album and your goal for this record.

Evan: For me, I think the cool thing about a fan supported album is that sometimes it feels like we live in a day and age where you can't go anywhere without seeing a corporate logo on something. And it's nice to be able to create something that's created by a group of individuals. And it’s also nice to know that as we're recording it, I know it sounds a little cheesy, but that we're not really alone in the process. It's exciting to know that people are supporting the process.

Kat: There's been a bit of controversy lately with fan funded albums with some critics of the process saying that the end game shouldn't be about asking your fans to help you make a record and that instead the motive should be to tour to build a fan base to eventually get picked up by a label or management company to help produce and fund the album.  For you as a musician, what’s the difference between the two processes?

Evan: Well, I don't know. Things have changed so much and I don't know if everyone's aware that the environment for independent artist is rougher than it’s ever been.  And that's why you see so many fan funded campaigns. Labels aren't reaching out as much as perhaps they once were like twenty years ago in developing artist.

Kat: Do you think labels are looking more now to distribute product rather than developing artists like they used to?

Evan: They're looking to grab things that already have a following, so that could happen to any band once they have a following. It's really a paradigm we know nothing about, because we've always created everything independently.  I have no idea what record labels really even do for an artist.

Stephen: At least you know if you make it with a crowd funded album, you have complete control. If someone else is paying for the record, you have someone else throwing in their two cents about what it should sound like. You're gaining creative control.

Evan:  It's creative control, but it's also financial control. You become a strong small business rather than being in debt to a label.

Kat: On the new album, will there be any of the songs from the Feel in Light EP, or will the album be comprised of entirely new material?

Evan: I think it might be entirely new.  We just tracked ten new songs.  We had another four that we started.  When we did Feel in Light, we tracked eight, but we only kept four.  So I don't know.  We're really enjoying the ten tracks we've been working on.

Kat: So I want to talk a little bit about the songwriting process for you guys.  How does it work?

Evan: Usually, it starts individually.  So maybe someone will write something and compose it. Whenever I have an idea, I just try to flush it out.  But we always try to bring it into the band room and work it out together because that always yields the best results. It’s everyone complimenting each other. 

Kat:  Are all the lyrics yours?

Evan: Yeah

Kat: So take me through the lyrical process?  Do you journal? Do you write in the moment?  What's that process like?

Evan: I keep a journal. I write stuff down but usually it really depends. Sometimes I start a song and the lyrics I write with it. Other times, I'll start a song and I don't know what the lyrics are yet and I kind of have to feel it out.  A lot of times, like Aaron will write something musically, and that's always a fun challenge for me.  Sometimes, he'll send me something and it will jump right out at me.  "Swimming in the Ocean", for example, started out as a demo from Aaron and then one day I was listening to it and it just all hit me at once and I wrote it out.  And it's nice when it’s that easy.  Lyric writing is tough; melody is most important to me and figuring out what sounds - what vowel sounds - are going where.  It's just this weird process.  It just kind of comes.  It's a tough craft. I'm starting to get better at it.  I just hope people understand what I'm saying because I often don't even understand what I'm saying. 

Kat: Most of your lyrics are very bright and very heart-felt.  There never seems to be anything lyrically that comes from a dark place.  Is that on purpose or are you just that positive?

Evan: I think honestly it just comes out that way because these things are like mantras for myself. I often write from that moment of maybe you've been through a hard time, and then you get some time to yourself and then you get some clarity about something. So maybe that's why it sounds positive, but sometimes it’s born out of hard ship. 

Kat:  So I think a lot of people that have never created music with other people aren't aware of the intense relationships that are created amongst working musicians.  So when a band loses a member, I often liken it to a divorce. It can be a very emotional and taxing experience for everyone involved.   It's no secret that Dave Rossi was were very liked by fans, so when it was announced that he was leaving the band, even I held my breath expecting a bit of a backlash from the fan base. And quite honestly, fans were like "that sucks, we wish Rossi the best, but the show must go on."  Were you all as surprised by that reaction as I was?

Evan: We were preparing ourselves for the worst because we are aware of that fan connection.  He's been with us for a number of years and a number of different phases.  Touring in a band, there's so many things that people don't understand.  It's a very unglamorous lifestyle.   When you're starting out, you just get punch after punch to the gut of pouring you heart out at shows and there being no body there, and sleeping where you can or sleeping in green rooms. But one of the things that come out of that is the people you meet in each little town and you start to form relationships with different group’s of friends. Rossi was there for all of that. And we were aware that it would be really hard.

Kat: What elements do you find that Stephen brings to the band?

Evan: So far, we've had a lot of great rehearsals.  He brings a new level of musicianship to the band that the rest of us don't have.  The rest of us are kind of like self-taught hacks.  And Steve is well versed.  He teaches piano for a living and he has a good Berklee background and has a good solid foundation and knowledge of music that really that helps us in filling out our sound a little further. On top of that, he really has this go get 'em positive attitude which has been good so far. 

Kat: So I guess, I'll point that question to you Stephen.  What drew you to playing with these guys? What is it about the sound they have that you like and what do you think you'll contribute to it?

Stephen: Well, I've known Jimkata for eight years, since they were in college.  I've always loved their music from when they were starting to play. I think that they have really strong songs.  That's one of the things I like the best about them is really strong songwriting and I think Evan's a great singer.  And he has the potential to be even greater, especially since they started playing.  I've just watched them grow, especially [Evan] has become a great lead singer, which gives me a lot of faith. Strong songwriting and good singing can push a band through the hardest times.

Evan: We go way back.  We played together years ago with The Indobox and Jimkata in the raucous days of our youth.

Stephen: We played a lot of shows together. 

Kat: So I often find that the Jimkata sound feels like it should be more female friendly, but I'm always surprised by how many guys are at your shows singing along to every word of your music?What do you think is the contributing factor in this regard?

Aaron:  I think we're not a sexist band. What I love about our audience is that it’s a broad spectrum of people. 

Evan: I really like that too.  More and more I think we're noticing a broader spectrum.  For example, sometimes you get a lot of older guys that were in their prime during the 80's and 90's and they like Genesis and Rush and Yes.  And they hear that in our music.  I like to think we have little rock and roll edge.  We try to keep the live show high energy. 

Kat:  So I'm going to wrap it up with a few fan questions that were posed by your fans on your fan support Facebook page Jimkata Nation.  Ann wants to know, what do you guys do for work when you're not touring?

Evan: Me personally, I've been working other jobs less and less, which is good.  Going that way was a challenge for me in November when we had nothing to do, because it was challenge for me to justify really devoting my time to creating this next album.  But I've done carpentry; I worked for a good friend of mine that's a carpenter/ wood working artist. I’ve done landscaping in the summer.  Stuff for me that I actually enjoy because it gives me a task that can be finished in a day or a week which is different from music, which is creatively never really finished.  I know that Packy has done some painting.  Everyone finds little jobs here and there, but it's tough.  A shout out to independent musicians, it's not easy.  Cause whose going to hire you because you find yourself in this weird position when you're like "I can work Monday, and Tuesday.  You guys open on Sunday?  Cause I can do Sunday if I'm home in time.  Oh!  And I'm going to be gone for like a month and a half."  No one’s going to hire you.  So you really have to rely on friends.  And we're all really fortunate enough to have that. 

Kat: Mara wants to know, where do you see yourselves in five years?

Evan:  For me, going back to work, I would love to just be in a position where this was my main career.  So that means playing bigger venues, that means a broader appeal and more people getting into it.  I see all those things coming around the corner.  We're putting a lot of hard work into that and doubling down our investment into this band.  So for me a lot of this is centered around feeling like this is really my job.  And it already feels that way.

Kat: Jill noted that "While not touring, Evan and Russ (Jimkata's manager) have been playing Reggae Wednesday at The Dock.  Any chance that some of that reggae influence will find its way into a song or two on the new album?”

Evan: Who knows, possibly?  It’s been a good thing for me to play those gigs because I learn a lot about reggae history.  There's all these people in Ithaca that are like reggae professors and it’s been helpful in writing this album and songwriting in general because a lot of old reggae is very similar to old soul music, very classic songwriting stuff. So as I'm learning a cover tune, it's like "Wow, that’s cool that they changed to this chord on the bridge, and this bridge is really hip."

Stephen:  Reggae has amazing melodies.

Evan: Yeah, really amazing melodies and obviously amazing beats.  Honestly, we've always been influenced by reggae especially the bass lines.  It kind of gave me the idea that a bass line could be a melody - that it could drive a band.  So it’s always been there. 

Kat:  So one final question.  This one is from Nu Nan.  Would you rather fight one horse sized duck or 100 duck sized horses?

Aaron: A 100 duck sized horses. I'd rather see that than one giant duck. 

Evan:  Yeah! For some reason, one giant duck kind of scares me.  Because I feel like deep down, ducks are not nice.  Those beaks! 

Aaron:  Yeah, like when you get too close to them with bread. 

Evan:  Imagine that beak, but only bigger. It could take your head off.  I'm going to go with Aaron on this one. 

The Links

To learn more about Jimkata’s fan funded efforts, go to  the Jimkata Pledge Music Campaign. 

Go to the Jimkata Facebook Page for more details about their spring tour and updated news. 

Join the  Nation of Jimkata Fans and keep the conversation going on the fan supported Facebook Page. 

Fare Thee Well... Why I MUST be in Chicago!

I've been exposed to the music of the Dead for the majority of my life.  My brother in law and my sister are Deadheads.  My first serious college boyfriend was big into the Dead.  My fiancé is big into the Dead.  I can rattle off an impressive list of songs to keep up appearances.  American Beauty is one of my favorite albums of all time.   But when it comes down to the proverbial brass tacks, I've just never got into the GD jams.  Honestly, I enjoy and appreciate most of the music but I am not a huge Grateful Dead fan.  Phish, on the other, speaks to me.  So when the Dead announced that Trey Anastasio would be playing with them in Chicago on 4^th of July weekend, my fiancé and I cancelled our summer festival plans and shifted our focus on getting tickets for those shows. 

I always worry that when I make statements like “I’m not a huge Grateful Dead fan” that people are going to get it twisted.  I want to make this perfectly clear.  I have a huge respect for what the members of the Grateful Dead have done.  Without their vision and spirit, the Phish scene and modern music festival scene probably wouldn't exist as we know it today.  I will never argue the fact that the Dead are one of the most talented and influential groups of touring American musicians.  They have created a path for future artists that is celebrated by not only jam bands but bluegrass, EDM, country and rock (among others).  Without the pioneering spirit and dedication of the Grateful Dead, I believe that today’s musical landscape would be shaped very differently. 

I was presented with the opportunity to see the Dead several times in my first two years of college.  I never took them.  Jerry died during the summer before my junior year of college.  And maybe that’s where I went wrong.  I didn't really love Phish until I saw them live.  Looking back at those missed opportunities to see The Dead, I realize now that I missed out on experiencing something amazing.  Perhaps just one show would have converted me years earlier.  I am resigned to the fact that I will never know.  But these Chicago shows will be the last time I will ever get the chance to see the Dead.  I feel like an amazing moment in musical history is going to happen and I must be there to witness it. 

But my desire to be there is bigger than just using these shows as a vehicle to finally connect to the music or to be a part of the experience.  I want to be there because I know what these shows mean to Trey.  No, I haven’t had a personal conversation with the man about the significance. But I also think that as a Phish Phan I have to acknowledge the Dead’s importance to Trey – as a performer, musician, and businessman.  The parallels between the two bands didn’t happen by chance.  I feel like Trey witnessed something at Dead shows of which he wanted to expand   The Dead proved that you could make a conscientious product and promote a culture of community through music.  And I don’t think there is any shame in the fact that Phish, with Trey at the helm, was able to create a similar scene.

For as much success as Trey has had as a working musician, there is a level of gratitude and respect that I feel he has for both The Dead and Jerry.  I can only imagine that stepping into this roll is an amazing honor.  And that is why I want to be there.  I want to see the man I respect and admire pay tribute to the musicians that mean so much to him.  I want to be there to thank them.  For as much as I may not click with the Dead, I respect it.  I also understand that without the Dead, the paved road that mapped out the course of Phish’s career may have ended in different results. 

There seems to be a lot of us VS them (Phans vs. Deadheads), at least on the internet where trolling is a full time hobby for some people.  But I think that those folks that generally think Trey isn't the right fit for the occasion aren't seeing the forest through the trees.  Trey has acknowledged the major influence that Jerry had on everything from his technique to the bands business model.  Phish is the ultimate bi-product of The Grateful Dead.  Even if you don’t like what Phish does, you simply can’t deny the influence.   This isn't a passing of the torch. These three shows aren't about Phish.  And I can’t imagine that Trey is going to walk on the stage and do anything other than pay a humble tribute to Jerry.  This is his way of saying “Thank You”. 

No one can replace Jerry Garcia - not Trey Anastasio, not Steve Kimock, not John Kadlecik. Trey is different but would you want to see someone that sounds just like Jerry? That’s already been done.  To me, this is the ultimate celebration of what the Grateful Dead has accomplished in the band’s 50 year history.  I am also aware that you can’t please all the people all of the time.  But I think that if people just open their minds and their hearts to the spirit of the line-up, we will be blown away by what happens. The ultimate hippie in me really wants this to be a "Kum Bah Yah" experience. 

So now we wait. Wait and hope that we get the tickets we wanted.  But even without tickets, my fiancé and I have already booked our train tickets to Chicago.  Even without tickets, my heart simply knows that my body, spirit and mind must be there in the hopes of having this experience. Even without tickets, we will arrive in the Windy City with faith that we are supposed to be there and that the musical universe will ensure that we are part of the moment.  And I will be honored to be a part of it. 

Brain Dead and Full of Money

I know that I should just ignore it.  This stupid Howard Stern bit that’s been going around the internet.  And probably there are only two types of people that are listening to it; Phish phans that find the inaccuracies amusing and Phish haters that want any excuse to hate on the bands and their fans.  

If you haven't heard it and want to know what I'm referring to here's a link. 

Relix- Howard Stern - Phish Lot

As a former radio DJ, I understand that sometimes, it’s a slow news day.  Sometimes, you just need a good bit.  But what bothers me about this, is what bothers me about the media in general these days.  This “bit” shows one very small part of a community that is so much more than what Howard and its crew make it out to be.  It’s a spread of misinformation that make a lot of other people look bad.  I’m proud to be a Phish phan.  What Stern does here is make me feel like I have to justify that the 10% he’s showcasing, doesn’t speak for the other 90%.

Yeah, Phish has never had a number one hit.  They’ve had a few songs that got played on commercial radio, but Phish’s music isn’t made for commercial radio.  And as Howard finds out later in the bit, Phish isn’t making chump change.  In the last four year, they have generated over $120 million dollars in ticket sales.  That’s more than pop hit makers like One Direction, Alicia Keys, and Radiohead.  A band without a song on the radio has sold more in tickets sales than the hottest boy band of the last decade.  Think about that for a minute.  If you think that Phish is nothing more than drugs and stoners, you are sadly very mis-informed. 

I call Howard Stern’s bit a “bit” because in radio terms that’s what it is to me.  It’s a fabricated piece intended to create humor with some portion of entertainment value at the expense of someone else’s truth.  I worked in radio for almost six years.  I did these types of bits.  They are planned. They are edited and generally well executed. His intent to explain what happens in the parking lot before a Phish show.  It’s simple known as “the lot” to phans.

The beginning focus of Stern’s Phish Lot piece is the selling of Nitrous Oxide.  Let it be said that he couldn’t have started on a dirty segment of the Phish community than Nitrous.  Most phans don’t like it.  It’s a very small percentage of phans that partake in the activity.  And generally nitrous isn’t really found on lot before the show.  It’s generally an after show party favor. Yes, it exist. But Stern makes it sound like they’re were hundreds of guys running around the lot passing out balloons like cotton candy at the state fair.  The show where these interviews took place were the shows at the Mann Center in Philadelphia.  I happened to be at both of these shows. Did I see tanks? Yes.  Did I see tanks get confiscated? Yes.  But the over exaggeration of how rampant the nitrous activity was at either of the Mann dates nauseating and exactly  what Stern was going for – shock value.  I guess that what he and his crew does best.

Then he moves on to briefly discuss a drum circle that is happening.  And what really pisses me off is that you have a someone trying to actually explain what the lot culture is really about, and they use three seconds off the clip and then move on to talk about acid and ayahuasca.  For those that don’t know, ayahuasca is a tribal based hallucinogen that I’ve yet to see at any show, let alone a Phish show.   Had they actually listened to the drum circle guy, they would have learned that .  But the truth does ayahuasca here is something more than drugs that goes on at a Phish shows.  But that doesn’t keep listeners tuned in and your “Time Spent Listening” at its maximum.  So instead the play more stereotypical stoned Phish phans that are they for the wrong reasons.

Wrong reasons, you ask?  Yes.  They are plenty of Phish phans that are there simply to drop some acid, eat a little molly, maybe some mushrooms, get wasted and watch the pretty lights and amazing music that happens while their phamily make sure they are safe and don’t hurt themselves (because that’s what phamily does.)  But that percentage is so small.  What Stern fails to mention is that the Phish lot culture is far more about other things: being yourselves, meeting other phans, trading fan art, selling your goods to get to the next show, selling water and food to keep people feed and hydrated. Stern fails to mention that there is an entire culture of fans that create art, pins, jewelry, clothing, accessories, and other assorted band related items.  Other people sell the non-Phish related crafts, art, food and drinks.  I watched as vendors on what is known as “Shakedown Street” were forced to pack up their goods because they didn’t permits. Selling of these goods doesn’t hurt anyone.  The fact that cities often force vendors to pack up it ridiculous.  Mike Gordon, the bassist of Phish, is known for going on lot each show and generally snagging up a fan created item.  If you think the band doesn’t encourage the creation of some types of fan art, then you don’t understand the bands business model.  Anything using the official Phish logo, shirts and posters are generally considered off limits. But other than that, well anything that keeps the message going….

The message?  What message? After all Phish is a hippie band that encourages drug use and doesn’t know when to stop a guitar solo.  And to you, that may be the case.  But for those of us that have gotten the message, it’s more than that.    There is a message through Phish’s music that revolves around community, self-love, positive light and energy.  But you would actually have to listen to the music or attend a Phish show to know that. Howard Stern openly admits he has done neither.  And to reduce our lot culture to nothing more than a stoner filled, drug induced, nitrous party is more than insulting.  Maybe to Stern to showcase only one side of the story is amusing because it equals money in his pocket.  But quite honestly it pisses me off.  Because there is a healthy love, light and energy that comes from this community that should be recognized. 

I started listening to Phish many years ago, but didn’t start going to shows and getting to know other fans until October of 2013.  In April of 2014, I was diagnosed with Spinal Cancer that involved two surgeries and an upcoming round of radiation treatment.  I have received more donations, love, support, get well cards, and positive energy from my Phamily, than I have from my own family and co-workers. People that I only know from various online fan arts Phish groups on Facebook have donated their hard earned money to help me pay my bills.  People that have never met me, have sent me boxes of the craziest, funniest stuff just to make my day a little better.  Because believe it or not, that it what Phish, or at least their phans are about. 

And as much as I would love to tell Howard Stern to take his little Phish “bit” and stuff it, that would do nothing more than block the light and energy that I have in my heart.  So Howard, keep at it.  Keep misinforming the public.  Quite honestly, your type of personality and the people that listen to your show aren’t ready for what Phish and their fans have to offer.  Because believe me, it’s a lot more than a balloon filled with nitrous or a hit of acid.  I hope that one day, the light and love that I have found because of this band finds you.  It may find you in another way, but I hope it does. And when it does, I hope you look back on the years of spite, anger and nonsense that you have wasted with sadness in your heart.  Because it’s a shame that someone with so much charisma and so much drive couldn’t find something more rewarding to do with their gifts than spread verbal disease about things to which they have no knowledge.

Finding My Song - Chapter One "Joy"

Preface

Writing about any journey and placing it on the internet comes with its own risk.  This particular blog is what I hope with become part of a series to document a rather unique and important musical and spiritual journey. I will not and do not wish to defend myself.  If you're views are so overwhelming different, I simply ask you to move along without comment.  Because in my heart, even though we may not share the same path, I believe that your journey is intended for you just as mine is intended for me.  And if we could all realize that, we would all probably love each other and ourselves a lot more.   

Chapter One - "Joy"

I don’t expect most people to get it.  But what I've come to realize is that the beauty of a true connection to “God” isn't for other people to understand. I've also come to realize that the closer you find yourself face to face with your own mortality, the easier “God” is to find.  I grew up with Christian doctrine, but it was of the Episcopalian variety.  Church seemed more social than spiritual.  I toyed with Judaism and even sought out branches of new age spiritualism.  I spent years trying to understand the difference between karmic principles and dogmatic devices.  Spirituality just seemed too hard to fit into my life. Hard because it wasn't right.  I couldn't find the thing that felt home to me.  In 1994, I was briefly introduced to the message that would, over this past year, become my spiritual center.  It would be nearly 20 years before I actually realized that there was a message in it for me.  But once I was finally united with my messianic missive, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  There it was - the overwhelming message of love, joy, community, happiness and bliss I had been so quick to dismiss as a real possibility. So where did I find “God’’? Well, you’re going to have to wait just a little bit longer for that. 

I think that what I need to establish first are some basic principles that I believe.  And then the “where” and the “how” will seem a little more feasible.  Most of us, or at least the majority of the people I imagine to be reading this, have grown up at the hand of a Christian doctrine.  In a nutshell, Jesus Christ was the messiah.  Let’s simply take the word “messiah” and relieve it from the Christian connotation. If we view it as a more generalized vocabulary word, than according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary it means  “a person who is expected to save people from a bad situation” or “a professed or accepted leader for some cause.”  

So what’s the point of a messiah? If “God” exist, why doesn't “God” just tell us what we need to hear? That would seem to make the most sense.  And this is where my spiritual view skews from the majority, I think.  I simply can’t find it in my heart to believe that some all-powerful, all knowing, all seeing entity is just floating around in space watching his creation self-destruct.  To me “God” is the scientific force that created us.  It’s an energy.  It’s a carbon based synergy that when harnessed can produce a beautiful path of spiritual self-awareness. So the "messiah", in my opinion, is really less about someone particularly chosen by "God" to present his message and more about someone or something  that is so tuned in to that creative energy that they are blessed with ability to present the beauty of this forceful power in a way that makes sense to others.  

So maybe, one day, a really long time ago, this really cool hippie-like guy named Jesus Christ walked the earth. I simply don’t know that he did or didn't because I wasn't there.  I like to imagine that Jesus was the kind of guy that would probably liked heady jam bands like the Grateful Dead, that would have made sure you were properly hydrated at a show and that would have let you crash on his couch even though he just met you 6 hours ago on lot. That's just how I envision him to have been.  I bet in his time, Jesus was probably pretty far out there but very well respected. And maybe, just maybe this man was so connected to the spiritual synergy of the earth's creative force that he felt he had a message that came from something bigger than him. And so he started telling people these stories and suggesting better ways to live. These stories would have been his way of reminding his fellow man that there was more to the world that what they were dealing with every day. 

It’s also my opinion that if Jesus did exist, Jesus was probably an entertainer.  He was a rock star.  He would have captured people’s hearts.  Not by fear, but by love.  And a lot of people probably listened to these messages of love and hope and charity and thought to themselves that this man had a point.  Because what we forget is that spirituality finds us when we need it the most.  And in a world that was overrun by political agendas and war, I think the original “Christians” were just looking to be surrounded by like-minded people.  They were tired of feeling oppressed by their government.  They were tired of feeling detained by their situation.  They were looking for the “savior” to right their path and put their hearts in the right place. The were looking for their "messiah".  The person with the message to make their lives feel right. 

So, for years I thought that the concept of a messiah, when it comes to spirituality, was ridiculous.  That was until I realized that a messiah doesn't have to be a person; it can simply be the way the message gets to you.  Unfortunately, religion is often the man-made result of scare tactics and dogmatic principles intended to work as a successful societal harness, just like the police force.  And often the real message gets bogged down in the operational needs of keeping the message going. Man, not "God", has interjected fear, death, personal agenda and sorrow into the spiritualism of the connective realm and turned it into hard bound scripture.  And for many, that is where spirituality takes a hard turn into religion.

As I moved through the phases of my life, I looked and read and researched and studied, but nothing touched my heart.  It never felt like the message that was offered to me was my message. Because that’s the other thing I think that so many people are quick to dismiss when it comes to spirituality and religion. We don't speak the same languages and we can find a way not to kill or hurt each other, but when it comes to spirituality and religion we've manage to use it as a justifiable means of war, hurt and greed.  We don’t all have to get the same message the same way, do we? And do we really want to have everyone get the message the same way? True, encouraging others to hear a message that you think is a healthy, amazing way to live is obviously the best way to make sure that message spreads and to sustain it.  But “God” doesn't want that message to cause death and war and hatred.  At least not in my world.  Since I believe in the scientific principles of the creative energy rather than a destructive energy (based on the principles of basic earth science), I believe that humans not “God” create destruction and despair. Spirituality, in my opinion,  is just how we deal with not really knowing the definitive answer. 

Beyond basic needs, music is the single most important thing in my life.  If stricken with the decision to lose my sight over my hearing, I would choose to never see again as long as I could feel rhythm and hear music.  Before I could even walk, I would pull myself up and dance when I heard music.  Dancing and singing are an absolute expression of what I feel.  They are releases central to my well-being.  I would be lost without them.  In fact, I have been lost without them.  So, as fate would have it, it is only fitting that my “message” came to me through music.

Now, this is the part where it becomes difficult for me to verbalize my journey.  And I wonder if early Christians, upon hearing their message, experienced the same feelings. The feeling of worrying that people were going to think they had lost their mind.  We have established connections to “God”.  The idea of just finding my own little unconventional niche and sharing my journey with others seems more like the path to psychiatric commitment rather than spiritual acceptance.

On October 22, 2013, I stood in a packed arena. Really, it was more like floating in an overwhelming sea of oddity and love. I had heard a vast majority of the music before but some of it was also new to me.   For three hours, I listened.  My eyes were closed for most of the night. My heart told me to simply just listen. As the encore began, something blocked out every thing around me. There were no distractions, there was only "Joy". A beautiful ballad called “Joy” changed by perspective and opened my heart to something I didn't think I would ever find.  There it was... “MY message.”

"Joy is over there in her incredible clothes
She has silver silk shimmering down to her toes
I was doing the best that I can I suppose
But that little girl dancer eventually grows
She grows"

"You can’t imagine all the times that I tried
To uncover the source of the tears that you cried
Let’s throw it away and just go for a ride
And you’d say ok but you’d keep it inside
And I tried"

"We want you to be happy
Don’t live inside the gloom
We want you to be happy
Come step outside your room
We want you to be happy
Cause this is your song too"

"I never thought I could have it so good
You were the song that my soul understood
But time is a river that flows through the woods
And it led us to place we both understood
Would be gone
Before too long"

"When we were young we thought life was a game
But then somebody leaves you and you’re never the same
All of the places and people belong
To the puzzle but one of the pieces is gone
And it’s you
Joy, it’s you"

"We want you to be happy
Don’t live inside the gloom
We want you to be happy
Come step outside your room
We want you to be happy
Cause this is your song too"

"In time we’ll weather this storm
Inside together you’ll see the change
When the sun shines through"

"We want you to be happy
Don’t live inside the gloom
We want you to be happy
Come step outside your room
We want you to be happy
‘Cause this is your song too"

The thing about lyrics, just like pages in a book or pages in a religious text, is that anything is open to interpretation. I've read what this song is “about”, but the beauty of finding a connective message is that it means something different to me.  At a moment in my life where I was struggling to reconnect to my true heart and soul while redefining the kind of life I wanted to live, these powerful words came gently to my soul and reminded me of something very special. It reminded me that I held the power to find my happiness and this message - these lyrics- simply reminded me that I had lost it. 

The beginning verse reminds me that as a  little girl music and dancing were my happiness.  Those were the two things that defined who I was.  They were expressions of my joy.  The “we” in the lyrics is my struggle to deal with the duality that has always been my life; an reminder of my broken self and more importantly the part that I need to fix. A personal mantra that "we" have to fix "me"; the sum of my parts are greater than the scattered pieces that I've left behind. I need those pieces to be whole.  As I grew up, I forgot about the true source of my joy.  Partly because I mixed music with my career and also because I allowed others to make me feel guilty for so unselfishly enjoying music.  I allowed the most important part of my spirit to get stripped and torn away.  And as my life changed and I went through tough struggles and life changing events, I stopped turning to music like I had before in my life.  And I had forgotten that the music was there me. I had forgotten about the “joy” that it had given me.

“Cause this is your song, too”

And that single lyric brought me to tears.  To the casual observer, it’s just a line. But to me, it was a moment of pure spiritual awakening.  To me, it was the moment of realization that I was being given a message from something bigger than me.   That I was being reminded that music – this music - their music – this song- that it was for me.  It was created for me to remind me of what my heart, soul, spirit and mind need.  Whether my interpretation seems far-fetched or not, it was the message that I needed at that moment.  And through further listening and revolutionary moments of clarity, I've spent the last year immersing myself
(but yet just barely scratching the surface)  of a vast musical catalog that has worked like a road map to my own personal spiritual salvation.

So where has this road map lead me?

·         To music that speak volumes to me and reminds me it’s okay to find my own path.
·         To the revival that is celebrating that synergy based connection that makes me feel so whole-heartedly sure that this spiritual path is mine alone.     
·         To community filled with loving, kind generous people that embrace a magnificent subculture that is centered on music and where I am always made to feel at home.
·         To the overwhelming love that comes with hugging a complete stranger when you hear “those chords”.
·         To the knowledge that there are others that share my secret and get exactly from where I am coming, albeit some a little more than others.
·         And most importantly, to the fact that as I face some of the most difficult times in my journey on this earth, I have finally found a source of peace and solace that makes me heart and soul feel at ease.

And where did the journey begin?

With Phish…