Fare Thee Well... Why I MUST be in Chicago!

I've been exposed to the music of the Dead for the majority of my life.  My brother in law and my sister are Deadheads.  My first serious college boyfriend was big into the Dead.  My fiancé is big into the Dead.  I can rattle off an impressive list of songs to keep up appearances.  American Beauty is one of my favorite albums of all time.   But when it comes down to the proverbial brass tacks, I've just never got into the GD jams.  Honestly, I enjoy and appreciate most of the music but I am not a huge Grateful Dead fan.  Phish, on the other, speaks to me.  So when the Dead announced that Trey Anastasio would be playing with them in Chicago on 4^th of July weekend, my fiancé and I cancelled our summer festival plans and shifted our focus on getting tickets for those shows. 

I always worry that when I make statements like “I’m not a huge Grateful Dead fan” that people are going to get it twisted.  I want to make this perfectly clear.  I have a huge respect for what the members of the Grateful Dead have done.  Without their vision and spirit, the Phish scene and modern music festival scene probably wouldn't exist as we know it today.  I will never argue the fact that the Dead are one of the most talented and influential groups of touring American musicians.  They have created a path for future artists that is celebrated by not only jam bands but bluegrass, EDM, country and rock (among others).  Without the pioneering spirit and dedication of the Grateful Dead, I believe that today’s musical landscape would be shaped very differently. 

I was presented with the opportunity to see the Dead several times in my first two years of college.  I never took them.  Jerry died during the summer before my junior year of college.  And maybe that’s where I went wrong.  I didn't really love Phish until I saw them live.  Looking back at those missed opportunities to see The Dead, I realize now that I missed out on experiencing something amazing.  Perhaps just one show would have converted me years earlier.  I am resigned to the fact that I will never know.  But these Chicago shows will be the last time I will ever get the chance to see the Dead.  I feel like an amazing moment in musical history is going to happen and I must be there to witness it. 

But my desire to be there is bigger than just using these shows as a vehicle to finally connect to the music or to be a part of the experience.  I want to be there because I know what these shows mean to Trey.  No, I haven’t had a personal conversation with the man about the significance. But I also think that as a Phish Phan I have to acknowledge the Dead’s importance to Trey – as a performer, musician, and businessman.  The parallels between the two bands didn’t happen by chance.  I feel like Trey witnessed something at Dead shows of which he wanted to expand   The Dead proved that you could make a conscientious product and promote a culture of community through music.  And I don’t think there is any shame in the fact that Phish, with Trey at the helm, was able to create a similar scene.

For as much success as Trey has had as a working musician, there is a level of gratitude and respect that I feel he has for both The Dead and Jerry.  I can only imagine that stepping into this roll is an amazing honor.  And that is why I want to be there.  I want to see the man I respect and admire pay tribute to the musicians that mean so much to him.  I want to be there to thank them.  For as much as I may not click with the Dead, I respect it.  I also understand that without the Dead, the paved road that mapped out the course of Phish’s career may have ended in different results. 

There seems to be a lot of us VS them (Phans vs. Deadheads), at least on the internet where trolling is a full time hobby for some people.  But I think that those folks that generally think Trey isn't the right fit for the occasion aren't seeing the forest through the trees.  Trey has acknowledged the major influence that Jerry had on everything from his technique to the bands business model.  Phish is the ultimate bi-product of The Grateful Dead.  Even if you don’t like what Phish does, you simply can’t deny the influence.   This isn't a passing of the torch. These three shows aren't about Phish.  And I can’t imagine that Trey is going to walk on the stage and do anything other than pay a humble tribute to Jerry.  This is his way of saying “Thank You”. 

No one can replace Jerry Garcia - not Trey Anastasio, not Steve Kimock, not John Kadlecik. Trey is different but would you want to see someone that sounds just like Jerry? That’s already been done.  To me, this is the ultimate celebration of what the Grateful Dead has accomplished in the band’s 50 year history.  I am also aware that you can’t please all the people all of the time.  But I think that if people just open their minds and their hearts to the spirit of the line-up, we will be blown away by what happens. The ultimate hippie in me really wants this to be a "Kum Bah Yah" experience. 

So now we wait. Wait and hope that we get the tickets we wanted.  But even without tickets, my fiancé and I have already booked our train tickets to Chicago.  Even without tickets, my heart simply knows that my body, spirit and mind must be there in the hopes of having this experience. Even without tickets, we will arrive in the Windy City with faith that we are supposed to be there and that the musical universe will ensure that we are part of the moment.  And I will be honored to be a part of it. 

Brain Dead and Full of Money

I know that I should just ignore it.  This stupid Howard Stern bit that’s been going around the internet.  And probably there are only two types of people that are listening to it; Phish phans that find the inaccuracies amusing and Phish haters that want any excuse to hate on the bands and their fans.  

If you haven't heard it and want to know what I'm referring to here's a link. 

Relix- Howard Stern - Phish Lot

As a former radio DJ, I understand that sometimes, it’s a slow news day.  Sometimes, you just need a good bit.  But what bothers me about this, is what bothers me about the media in general these days.  This “bit” shows one very small part of a community that is so much more than what Howard and its crew make it out to be.  It’s a spread of misinformation that make a lot of other people look bad.  I’m proud to be a Phish phan.  What Stern does here is make me feel like I have to justify that the 10% he’s showcasing, doesn’t speak for the other 90%.

Yeah, Phish has never had a number one hit.  They’ve had a few songs that got played on commercial radio, but Phish’s music isn’t made for commercial radio.  And as Howard finds out later in the bit, Phish isn’t making chump change.  In the last four year, they have generated over $120 million dollars in ticket sales.  That’s more than pop hit makers like One Direction, Alicia Keys, and Radiohead.  A band without a song on the radio has sold more in tickets sales than the hottest boy band of the last decade.  Think about that for a minute.  If you think that Phish is nothing more than drugs and stoners, you are sadly very mis-informed. 

I call Howard Stern’s bit a “bit” because in radio terms that’s what it is to me.  It’s a fabricated piece intended to create humor with some portion of entertainment value at the expense of someone else’s truth.  I worked in radio for almost six years.  I did these types of bits.  They are planned. They are edited and generally well executed. His intent to explain what happens in the parking lot before a Phish show.  It’s simple known as “the lot” to phans.

The beginning focus of Stern’s Phish Lot piece is the selling of Nitrous Oxide.  Let it be said that he couldn’t have started on a dirty segment of the Phish community than Nitrous.  Most phans don’t like it.  It’s a very small percentage of phans that partake in the activity.  And generally nitrous isn’t really found on lot before the show.  It’s generally an after show party favor. Yes, it exist. But Stern makes it sound like they’re were hundreds of guys running around the lot passing out balloons like cotton candy at the state fair.  The show where these interviews took place were the shows at the Mann Center in Philadelphia.  I happened to be at both of these shows. Did I see tanks? Yes.  Did I see tanks get confiscated? Yes.  But the over exaggeration of how rampant the nitrous activity was at either of the Mann dates nauseating and exactly  what Stern was going for – shock value.  I guess that what he and his crew does best.

Then he moves on to briefly discuss a drum circle that is happening.  And what really pisses me off is that you have a someone trying to actually explain what the lot culture is really about, and they use three seconds off the clip and then move on to talk about acid and ayahuasca.  For those that don’t know, ayahuasca is a tribal based hallucinogen that I’ve yet to see at any show, let alone a Phish show.   Had they actually listened to the drum circle guy, they would have learned that .  But the truth does ayahuasca here is something more than drugs that goes on at a Phish shows.  But that doesn’t keep listeners tuned in and your “Time Spent Listening” at its maximum.  So instead the play more stereotypical stoned Phish phans that are they for the wrong reasons.

Wrong reasons, you ask?  Yes.  They are plenty of Phish phans that are there simply to drop some acid, eat a little molly, maybe some mushrooms, get wasted and watch the pretty lights and amazing music that happens while their phamily make sure they are safe and don’t hurt themselves (because that’s what phamily does.)  But that percentage is so small.  What Stern fails to mention is that the Phish lot culture is far more about other things: being yourselves, meeting other phans, trading fan art, selling your goods to get to the next show, selling water and food to keep people feed and hydrated. Stern fails to mention that there is an entire culture of fans that create art, pins, jewelry, clothing, accessories, and other assorted band related items.  Other people sell the non-Phish related crafts, art, food and drinks.  I watched as vendors on what is known as “Shakedown Street” were forced to pack up their goods because they didn’t permits. Selling of these goods doesn’t hurt anyone.  The fact that cities often force vendors to pack up it ridiculous.  Mike Gordon, the bassist of Phish, is known for going on lot each show and generally snagging up a fan created item.  If you think the band doesn’t encourage the creation of some types of fan art, then you don’t understand the bands business model.  Anything using the official Phish logo, shirts and posters are generally considered off limits. But other than that, well anything that keeps the message going….

The message?  What message? After all Phish is a hippie band that encourages drug use and doesn’t know when to stop a guitar solo.  And to you, that may be the case.  But for those of us that have gotten the message, it’s more than that.    There is a message through Phish’s music that revolves around community, self-love, positive light and energy.  But you would actually have to listen to the music or attend a Phish show to know that. Howard Stern openly admits he has done neither.  And to reduce our lot culture to nothing more than a stoner filled, drug induced, nitrous party is more than insulting.  Maybe to Stern to showcase only one side of the story is amusing because it equals money in his pocket.  But quite honestly it pisses me off.  Because there is a healthy love, light and energy that comes from this community that should be recognized. 

I started listening to Phish many years ago, but didn’t start going to shows and getting to know other fans until October of 2013.  In April of 2014, I was diagnosed with Spinal Cancer that involved two surgeries and an upcoming round of radiation treatment.  I have received more donations, love, support, get well cards, and positive energy from my Phamily, than I have from my own family and co-workers. People that I only know from various online fan arts Phish groups on Facebook have donated their hard earned money to help me pay my bills.  People that have never met me, have sent me boxes of the craziest, funniest stuff just to make my day a little better.  Because believe it or not, that it what Phish, or at least their phans are about. 

And as much as I would love to tell Howard Stern to take his little Phish “bit” and stuff it, that would do nothing more than block the light and energy that I have in my heart.  So Howard, keep at it.  Keep misinforming the public.  Quite honestly, your type of personality and the people that listen to your show aren’t ready for what Phish and their fans have to offer.  Because believe me, it’s a lot more than a balloon filled with nitrous or a hit of acid.  I hope that one day, the light and love that I have found because of this band finds you.  It may find you in another way, but I hope it does. And when it does, I hope you look back on the years of spite, anger and nonsense that you have wasted with sadness in your heart.  Because it’s a shame that someone with so much charisma and so much drive couldn’t find something more rewarding to do with their gifts than spread verbal disease about things to which they have no knowledge.

Finding My Song - Chapter One "Joy"

Preface

Writing about any journey and placing it on the internet comes with its own risk.  This particular blog is what I hope with become part of a series to document a rather unique and important musical and spiritual journey. I will not and do not wish to defend myself.  If you're views are so overwhelming different, I simply ask you to move along without comment.  Because in my heart, even though we may not share the same path, I believe that your journey is intended for you just as mine is intended for me.  And if we could all realize that, we would all probably love each other and ourselves a lot more.   

Chapter One - "Joy"

I don’t expect most people to get it.  But what I've come to realize is that the beauty of a true connection to “God” isn't for other people to understand. I've also come to realize that the closer you find yourself face to face with your own mortality, the easier “God” is to find.  I grew up with Christian doctrine, but it was of the Episcopalian variety.  Church seemed more social than spiritual.  I toyed with Judaism and even sought out branches of new age spiritualism.  I spent years trying to understand the difference between karmic principles and dogmatic devices.  Spirituality just seemed too hard to fit into my life. Hard because it wasn't right.  I couldn't find the thing that felt home to me.  In 1994, I was briefly introduced to the message that would, over this past year, become my spiritual center.  It would be nearly 20 years before I actually realized that there was a message in it for me.  But once I was finally united with my messianic missive, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  There it was - the overwhelming message of love, joy, community, happiness and bliss I had been so quick to dismiss as a real possibility. So where did I find “God’’? Well, you’re going to have to wait just a little bit longer for that. 

I think that what I need to establish first are some basic principles that I believe.  And then the “where” and the “how” will seem a little more feasible.  Most of us, or at least the majority of the people I imagine to be reading this, have grown up at the hand of a Christian doctrine.  In a nutshell, Jesus Christ was the messiah.  Let’s simply take the word “messiah” and relieve it from the Christian connotation. If we view it as a more generalized vocabulary word, than according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary it means  “a person who is expected to save people from a bad situation” or “a professed or accepted leader for some cause.”  

So what’s the point of a messiah? If “God” exist, why doesn't “God” just tell us what we need to hear? That would seem to make the most sense.  And this is where my spiritual view skews from the majority, I think.  I simply can’t find it in my heart to believe that some all-powerful, all knowing, all seeing entity is just floating around in space watching his creation self-destruct.  To me “God” is the scientific force that created us.  It’s an energy.  It’s a carbon based synergy that when harnessed can produce a beautiful path of spiritual self-awareness. So the "messiah", in my opinion, is really less about someone particularly chosen by "God" to present his message and more about someone or something  that is so tuned in to that creative energy that they are blessed with ability to present the beauty of this forceful power in a way that makes sense to others.  

So maybe, one day, a really long time ago, this really cool hippie-like guy named Jesus Christ walked the earth. I simply don’t know that he did or didn't because I wasn't there.  I like to imagine that Jesus was the kind of guy that would probably liked heady jam bands like the Grateful Dead, that would have made sure you were properly hydrated at a show and that would have let you crash on his couch even though he just met you 6 hours ago on lot. That's just how I envision him to have been.  I bet in his time, Jesus was probably pretty far out there but very well respected. And maybe, just maybe this man was so connected to the spiritual synergy of the earth's creative force that he felt he had a message that came from something bigger than him. And so he started telling people these stories and suggesting better ways to live. These stories would have been his way of reminding his fellow man that there was more to the world that what they were dealing with every day. 

It’s also my opinion that if Jesus did exist, Jesus was probably an entertainer.  He was a rock star.  He would have captured people’s hearts.  Not by fear, but by love.  And a lot of people probably listened to these messages of love and hope and charity and thought to themselves that this man had a point.  Because what we forget is that spirituality finds us when we need it the most.  And in a world that was overrun by political agendas and war, I think the original “Christians” were just looking to be surrounded by like-minded people.  They were tired of feeling oppressed by their government.  They were tired of feeling detained by their situation.  They were looking for the “savior” to right their path and put their hearts in the right place. The were looking for their "messiah".  The person with the message to make their lives feel right. 

So, for years I thought that the concept of a messiah, when it comes to spirituality, was ridiculous.  That was until I realized that a messiah doesn't have to be a person; it can simply be the way the message gets to you.  Unfortunately, religion is often the man-made result of scare tactics and dogmatic principles intended to work as a successful societal harness, just like the police force.  And often the real message gets bogged down in the operational needs of keeping the message going. Man, not "God", has interjected fear, death, personal agenda and sorrow into the spiritualism of the connective realm and turned it into hard bound scripture.  And for many, that is where spirituality takes a hard turn into religion.

As I moved through the phases of my life, I looked and read and researched and studied, but nothing touched my heart.  It never felt like the message that was offered to me was my message. Because that’s the other thing I think that so many people are quick to dismiss when it comes to spirituality and religion. We don't speak the same languages and we can find a way not to kill or hurt each other, but when it comes to spirituality and religion we've manage to use it as a justifiable means of war, hurt and greed.  We don’t all have to get the same message the same way, do we? And do we really want to have everyone get the message the same way? True, encouraging others to hear a message that you think is a healthy, amazing way to live is obviously the best way to make sure that message spreads and to sustain it.  But “God” doesn't want that message to cause death and war and hatred.  At least not in my world.  Since I believe in the scientific principles of the creative energy rather than a destructive energy (based on the principles of basic earth science), I believe that humans not “God” create destruction and despair. Spirituality, in my opinion,  is just how we deal with not really knowing the definitive answer. 

Beyond basic needs, music is the single most important thing in my life.  If stricken with the decision to lose my sight over my hearing, I would choose to never see again as long as I could feel rhythm and hear music.  Before I could even walk, I would pull myself up and dance when I heard music.  Dancing and singing are an absolute expression of what I feel.  They are releases central to my well-being.  I would be lost without them.  In fact, I have been lost without them.  So, as fate would have it, it is only fitting that my “message” came to me through music.

Now, this is the part where it becomes difficult for me to verbalize my journey.  And I wonder if early Christians, upon hearing their message, experienced the same feelings. The feeling of worrying that people were going to think they had lost their mind.  We have established connections to “God”.  The idea of just finding my own little unconventional niche and sharing my journey with others seems more like the path to psychiatric commitment rather than spiritual acceptance.

On October 22, 2013, I stood in a packed arena. Really, it was more like floating in an overwhelming sea of oddity and love. I had heard a vast majority of the music before but some of it was also new to me.   For three hours, I listened.  My eyes were closed for most of the night. My heart told me to simply just listen. As the encore began, something blocked out every thing around me. There were no distractions, there was only "Joy". A beautiful ballad called “Joy” changed by perspective and opened my heart to something I didn't think I would ever find.  There it was... “MY message.”

"Joy is over there in her incredible clothes
She has silver silk shimmering down to her toes
I was doing the best that I can I suppose
But that little girl dancer eventually grows
She grows"

"You can’t imagine all the times that I tried
To uncover the source of the tears that you cried
Let’s throw it away and just go for a ride
And you’d say ok but you’d keep it inside
And I tried"

"We want you to be happy
Don’t live inside the gloom
We want you to be happy
Come step outside your room
We want you to be happy
Cause this is your song too"

"I never thought I could have it so good
You were the song that my soul understood
But time is a river that flows through the woods
And it led us to place we both understood
Would be gone
Before too long"

"When we were young we thought life was a game
But then somebody leaves you and you’re never the same
All of the places and people belong
To the puzzle but one of the pieces is gone
And it’s you
Joy, it’s you"

"We want you to be happy
Don’t live inside the gloom
We want you to be happy
Come step outside your room
We want you to be happy
Cause this is your song too"

"In time we’ll weather this storm
Inside together you’ll see the change
When the sun shines through"

"We want you to be happy
Don’t live inside the gloom
We want you to be happy
Come step outside your room
We want you to be happy
‘Cause this is your song too"

The thing about lyrics, just like pages in a book or pages in a religious text, is that anything is open to interpretation. I've read what this song is “about”, but the beauty of finding a connective message is that it means something different to me.  At a moment in my life where I was struggling to reconnect to my true heart and soul while redefining the kind of life I wanted to live, these powerful words came gently to my soul and reminded me of something very special. It reminded me that I held the power to find my happiness and this message - these lyrics- simply reminded me that I had lost it. 

The beginning verse reminds me that as a  little girl music and dancing were my happiness.  Those were the two things that defined who I was.  They were expressions of my joy.  The “we” in the lyrics is my struggle to deal with the duality that has always been my life; an reminder of my broken self and more importantly the part that I need to fix. A personal mantra that "we" have to fix "me"; the sum of my parts are greater than the scattered pieces that I've left behind. I need those pieces to be whole.  As I grew up, I forgot about the true source of my joy.  Partly because I mixed music with my career and also because I allowed others to make me feel guilty for so unselfishly enjoying music.  I allowed the most important part of my spirit to get stripped and torn away.  And as my life changed and I went through tough struggles and life changing events, I stopped turning to music like I had before in my life.  And I had forgotten that the music was there me. I had forgotten about the “joy” that it had given me.

“Cause this is your song, too”

And that single lyric brought me to tears.  To the casual observer, it’s just a line. But to me, it was a moment of pure spiritual awakening.  To me, it was the moment of realization that I was being given a message from something bigger than me.   That I was being reminded that music – this music - their music – this song- that it was for me.  It was created for me to remind me of what my heart, soul, spirit and mind need.  Whether my interpretation seems far-fetched or not, it was the message that I needed at that moment.  And through further listening and revolutionary moments of clarity, I've spent the last year immersing myself
(but yet just barely scratching the surface)  of a vast musical catalog that has worked like a road map to my own personal spiritual salvation.

So where has this road map lead me?

·         To music that speak volumes to me and reminds me it’s okay to find my own path.
·         To the revival that is celebrating that synergy based connection that makes me feel so whole-heartedly sure that this spiritual path is mine alone.     
·         To community filled with loving, kind generous people that embrace a magnificent subculture that is centered on music and where I am always made to feel at home.
·         To the overwhelming love that comes with hugging a complete stranger when you hear “those chords”.
·         To the knowledge that there are others that share my secret and get exactly from where I am coming, albeit some a little more than others.
·         And most importantly, to the fact that as I face some of the most difficult times in my journey on this earth, I have finally found a source of peace and solace that makes me heart and soul feel at ease.

And where did the journey begin?

With Phish…

Dear "Those Guys"

To “those guys” at the Dark Star Orchestra show, 

Let me first congratulate you on making complete idiots of yourselves.  You thought you were being cool, making fun of the dancing kid in the tie-dye.  He was having the time of his life.  He was feeling the music. You found his dancing to be comical so you mocked him and laughed amongst yourselves. He was there because he gets it.  I wish I could say the same for you.  

Maybe you showed up because your friends dragged you there.  Or maybe it was a cheap $5 show and you wanted a excuse to drink beer and smoke some weed.  But your actions spoke louder than your exchanged words of belittling and mockery.  You weren’t there for the music.  At least not the music the way Jerry intended. 

For those of you who don’t know, the Dark Star Orchestra is considered one of the premiere Grateful Dead Tribute bands. Sometimes, the play a specific Dead show in its entirety.  Sometimes, they play their own set list.  Thursday night, they played an an outdoor venue in Rochester.  We traveled from Buffalo to catch the set.  Sure there were plenty of people there with no idea of the band’s concept.  They were just there for a show.  They were there to be entertained. It was something to do on a Thursday night.   But the crowd was much deeper than just that. The crowd was of course  filled with Deadheads, both young and seasoned fans,   rejoicing in the legacy. Also in the mix, Phish fans talked about their favorite moments from this summer’s tour. Old friends introduced their old friends to new friends.  Pinheads stopped to look at each other's hats and talk about their beloved fan art. Girls hooped and tricked.  You were unknowingly surrounded by  a community of people that gather around their love of this music. For some people, its was more than just something to do that night.  

For the majority of the night, I witnessed nothing but the love that is our community,  To be clear, when I say “community”, I’m referring to the people that are there for more than the music.  It’s a way of life; a message; a love and sincerity that is hugs and smiles and laughter and safety.  Its generally a community where you can wear what you want and dance how you please.  It’s generally a community where individuality is embraced, music is cherished and people look out for each other. 

I say generally, because last night your group tried to bombard our safe, accepting world. A young man simply enjoying the beauty of the music and the fulfillment of his soul became your target.  You copied his dancing.  You stared and pointed and laughed.  So when I saw your ill behavior, I began to dance with him, as did my friends.  After  a few minutes I stopped and asked if you were going to make fun of me too.  Your mouths dropped a little.  Didn’t see that question coming did you? But what I should have asked you was  deeper.  After you had left, I realized I should have asked you  one simple question. Do you feel better about yourselves now?  

Seriously? Did it make you feel better?  Did it make your insecurities vanish for a few seconds before you  once again realized that you don’t love yourselves. Did it make you feel like real men?  Maybe it isn’t your fault.  Maybe you were raised to think that this how people behave.  That it is okay to mock and demoralize people and things that you don’t understand. 

The best part of it is that the young man you mocked left that show more confident that he’s surrounded by the right people for his world. He is confident in who he is and what life and love means to him.  He is part of a word that accepts him.  That’s why he’s was at that show.   Because when people he didn’t even know (me and my friends) saw  your glares and sneers, we joined him and became part of his joyful dance party. We danced along side him because he is our brother.  We wanted to make sure that you saw he wasn’t alone.  Because when you mocked him, you were mocking all of us.  

What’s even more sad is that while your group of “bros” to my left acted like children, a separate group of your kindred spirits were doing the same thing to my right. Eventually, when their behavior started to cross a line of decency, one of the guys in our group called them out on your childish and spiteful behavior. He leaned in and said “I hear making fun of people at a concert for dancing is about the lamest thing you can do.”  Both set of guys disappeared moments later.   I hope for your sake, you left and truly thought about what you did!   I hope that maybe you walked away with a tinge of guilt that makes you question why you would treat someone so disrespectfully in front of other people. 

Despite your poor manner  and as odd as it may sound, I’d actually like to say  “Thank You” to those selfish and mean boys. You unknowingly made our community stronger.  We made a new friend.  You made sure that young man feels more confident that he is surrounded by people that will join in his celebration. And you made me realize that I have surrounded myself with some of the most loving, considerate, and kind people that I have ever met.  

That young man will continue to dance not to spite you but because of you. More than likely you will never learn how wonderful it feels to dance that freely.  You’re not hurting that young man.  Your only hurting yourself.  I hope that one day, you too will get it.  Maybe, if you are lucky enough, you will find yourself overwhelmed by that feeling to just dance; possessed by the desire to move and twirl and spin as the music dictates your movements.  I truly hope it finds you. 

But until then, do me and my family a favor.  Keep your negative vibes to yourself.  If you are going to come see a band that is playing tribute to the men that our the foundation of one of the greatest and kindness  communities that music has ever created, show  a little respect. Your comedy isn’t funny. You are outnumbered.  You are truly the ones that should be mocked and made fun of, but that isn’t our style. We’d rather dance and enjoy the music because that’s why we are there. 

My advice to those boys. The next time you’re at a concert and you see some guy  dancing like someone dropped a few ant farms down his patchwork shorts, do yourself a favor and instead of mocking him why don’t you try joining him. Close your eyes and feel the power of the music as it connect to your body, spirit and soul.  Let the ugly out.  Make a new friend. Feel the liberty that comes with loving yourself because your in a place where its okay to be yourself.  It’s a pretty amazing thing.  

Much Love, 

Me

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Primus - North Tonawanda, NY 22 June 2014

I saw Primus for the first time in 1993.  It was the summer I graduated high school.  My parents had moved from Raleigh, North Carolina to Goldsboro, a small town about 60 miles southeast of the Capital city.  My nomadic parents had uprooted our family my senior year in high school and I found myself taken from the beaches of Southwest Florida into the heart of the budding research triangle.  I was surrounded by new music; record stores like School Kids Records and the Record Exchange became my daily hang out while my radio dial was always tuned into the local college radio station at NC State University.   

I flung myself head first into new music.  My taste has changed.  I was discovering and listening to edgier bands.  I was 18 and slightly angry, so the music seemed to come at the perfect time.  I was finding my rage music.  So when my parents moved just as I turned old enough to get into local clubs to see bands, I was devastated.  However, as luck would have it, I moved next door to the first hardcore Primus fan I ever knew.  His name was Josh.  I pulled into my driveway one night listening to Tool’s “Opiate”.  Josh made some comment about the music and we instantly became best friends.  He’s the one that introduced me to Primus.  We happily made the trek to Raleigh that summer to see Lollapalooza, which was still a touring festival.  Looking at that line-up now - WOW!; Primus, Rage Against the Machine, Tool, Alice in Chains, Dinosaur Jr., Arrested Development – to name a few.  I feel lucky that I got to see these bands at this time in their musical careers. 

 My first Primus experience was slightly disappointing.  I  met the temperamental Les.  Someone flung something in Les’ generally direction, it hit his bass, and just over halfway into the set Primus walked off stage.  I can understand the sentiment.  It’s got to be aggravating. I wouldn't see Primus again until the summer of 2013, at the All Good Music Festival.  They were more amazing than I had remembered.  Perhaps years of performing and touring had strengthened their style. 

Last summer, Primus came to Western New York and I missed it.  Luckily, All Good was just a few weeks later so my heartache was easily lightened.  This year I saw them at the beginning of the summer at the Summer Camp Music Festival.  When it was announced that they would be playing our area again, in North Tonawanda (of all places); I wasn't going to miss it.

The thing I love about Primus is this almost primordial socio-musical journey.  I’m from the south.  When I listen to Primus there’s almost this sense that I’m listening to my backwoods uncle sitting on the porch on a summer evening while he tells stories about his friends and his views on society.  Lyrically, Les doesn't say a lot.  He doesn't have to.  Because what he does say is so fitting and to the point, he doesn't need sweeping vocals or book like lyrics to get his point across.  I love listening to him wax poetic in-between songs almost as much as the music itself. 

Musically, Primus is one of the simplest yet most powerful three-piece bands I've ever seen. I don’t have to pontificate about Les’ bass skills.  I think it’s pretty well known what an amazing musician he is.  But I think it’s important to mention was an authoritative presence he brings to the band.   You can’t just replace Les Claypool.  Larry's guitar is the perfect complement to Les’ style.  It often feels like the roles of bassist and guitarist are slightly reversed, since the bass takes such a commanding lead in the band’s music.  On Drums, Tim maintains an unrelenting pace; steady, forceful but not overpowering.  It’s hard to dissect the dynamic here, because you don’t need to. Maybe it seems like I’m taking the easy way out, but its Primus.  I don’t think I really have to explain how it works.  Or maybe it’s because I don’t really know quite how or why it works.  Because really it shouldn't. 

I leaned to a friend during the show and asked, ”Do you think Les leaves the stage slightly puzzled that people get what he’s doing?” He replied, “Maybe at first, but I think even he gets it now.” We were treated to the South Park theme.  A train came roaring through at the most perfectly timed moment during “My Name is Mud”. Even Les commented on its momentary perfection.  I watched a little girl, no more than six years old, shake and dance to the music.  She knew every bass line; her timing was perfect.  It gives me hope for the future that some kids will grow up knowing more than the top 40 fed music they hear on the radio.  Incidentally, when my buddy Eric and I screamed “Primus Sucks”, she whirled around and glared at us.  I guess she isn't quite in the know just yet. 

The set list from the evening was a brilliant example of what Primus does well.  “Wynona”, “Jerry”, and “Mud” satisfied even the casual Primus listener.  “Lee Van Cleef” has become one of my favorite live Primus songs over the last two summers.  There’s just something I love about the bouncing bass line and the slightly circus tent vibe to the song. I was more than thrilled with the “Too Many Puppies” encore.  This was my fifth Primus show but only the first time I had ever heard the song live.  Perhaps, they were set to play it back on that first show in the summer of ’93; but that I guess I’ll never really know. 

What I love about Primus is that I don’t feel like I missed anything.  I don’t feel like I missed a lot by not having seen Primus again for 20 years. I’m sad that I didn't, because I inherently realized I did miss quite a lot. But the band doesn’t have their thumbs up their arses.  They don’t refuse to play the songs that became the most popular. I think Les has a sense that what he does and the music he plays is just slightly odd in the most fantastic, carnival-esque kind of way.  Primus doesn't just appeal to the metal set.  The crowd at the show was varied – metal heads, hippies, bikers, families, young professionals.  Proof, I think, that Primus isn't just about one group of people or one decade of music.  Twenty years ago, when I was first introduced to Primus, I would have never predicted that this wonderfully odd and wildly abnormal  band would become so popular to so many cross-section of people – proof that we all have a little bit of abnormal in our souls that needs to be satisfied.    

  

The Set List 

North Tonawanda NY – Gateway Park June 22, 2014

Here Come the Bastards  

Moron TV  

Fisticuffs  

Groundhog's Day  

Over the Falls  

South Park Theme  

Lee Van Cleef  

Jilly's on Smack  

Mr. Krinkle  

Eleven  

The Heckler  

American Life  

Wynona's Big Brown Beaver  

My Name Is Mud  

Over the Electric Grapevine  

Jerry Was a Race Car Driver  

Harold of the Rocks  

Too Many Puppies  

Consider the Source - Buffalo 6 June 2014

My senior year in high school, I would wake up early on Sunday mornings just to tune into the radio station at NC State University.  I was obsessed with the weekly program “World Café” that showcased music from around the globe.  Back in the dark ages of musical technology, I would record the show on my stereo’s cassette recorder and created an arsenal of worldly tunes on 120 minutes of tape. Among my favorite tunes were the ones rich in middle eastern/Indian origin. Something about the sound tugged at my heart.  It was love at first listen.   

  

There is so much diversity in the sound of the music and instrumentation.  It is filled with mystery, sex, celebration, sorrow and spiritualism all combined into this beautiful noise. Fairly simple percussion instruments create a complex underlay to intricate strings and whimsical woodwinds.  Something about the overall enigmatic end product has always intrigued me.    

  

As often happens in life, I found myself distracted and pulled in different directions.  As technology changed, my vast catalog of recorded radio shows became obsolete as I transited to CD then digital devices.  And I simply stopped finding the music.  It wasn’t until a few years ago that I reconnected with my instinctual love when I stumbled upon Beats Antique. From there, I started to realize that there was a whole host of amazing bands that embraced that sound I had adored but abandoned. Along the way, I discovered the NYC based trio Consider the Source.  The attraction upon initial listen was instant.   

  

This past Friday, I had the honor and privilege to witness the magic that is a CTS show firsthand.  As I walked through the venue, I was surprised by the number of people that openly admitted to not only never having seen the band live, but to having never even heard them at all.  Blind faith was present because the word of mouth on these boys is highly favorable.  Because what they do is often unimaginable.  Folks in the know recognize that when given the opportunity to see Consider the Source, you take it.  

  

Now, I have to contain myself from a myriad of mindless gushes in regards to the level of musicianship that I witnessed.  I was more than familiar with CTS on a musical level.  But until I witnessed it live, it just didn’t connect.  My brain wasn’t fully aware of the slight of hand that is happening.  It’s like watching three magicians perform the best illusions in the world.  Even when you’re watching it, you still can’t quite believe you are hearing what you are seeing.  

  

You think you hear horns, but you don’t.  What you hear is the magic of Gabriel’s guitar. I’ve never seen anyone play guitar the way he does.  And this isn’t just any guitar; it’s a double nck guitar customized with MIDI pickups and a fretless neck.He also utilizes various synthesized instruments on his guitar.  To the outsider, this may sound like cheating, but it’s anything but dishonest musicianship. We’re not talking about the ill use of auto tune tools. It’s technology used in a wholesome way.  It’s used to enhance the music rather than hide a lack of musicianship. And it’s done at a skill level that is more than just noteworthy.   

In attendance for Friday’s shows was Aqueous guitarist and front man Mike Gantzer.  As I walked by him, I stopped to pick his brain. Sometimes as a non-musician, everything seems tricky and hard.  “Am I right in my assumption that what he [Gabriel] is doing right now is highly difficult?” Mike looked back at me with a huge grin and simply replied, “Incredibly!”

  

When you add the jaw-dropping bass of John, the face melting factor is increased two-fold. When I listen to music, I always pay special attention to the bass.  If the bass doesn’t grab me, it’s hard for me to invest the time to become more familiar with the music.  But in the case of CTS, you don’t have to listen long to realize that John’s skill on the bass is indescribable.  Its slap and funk and groove and magic. John’s impressive dexterity was showcased as he performed “Ol' Chomper”, a remarkable and complete song performed only on bass. I had been warned that if we got this song at Friday night’s show that I would instantly rewrite my list of favorite bassists.  That ended up an insightful and accurate caveat. In my dreams, I imagine a “Devil went Down to Georgia” style bass off between John and Les Claypool. And as much as I love Primus and Les, I think John would take it.  

  

On drums, Jeff creates the perfect backdrop for the complexity to which he is the backbone.  His tala based drumming style, which highlights traditional Indian rhythmic patterns, creates the perfect ebb and flow to support the mystical sound enhanced by the Middle Eastern influences in the music. “You Go Squish Now”, the band’s opening song Friday night, is an instant reveal of exactly what Jeff does underneath the trio’s sound.  The first 30 seconds is just Jeff and it establishes the balance and the journey of the music.  What I love about Jeff’s style is that it’s lulling.  Even in the band’s hardest moments, which I will address shortly, his drumming stays poetic.  It’s safety even in a tempest of sound.   

  

  

The great thing about Consider the Source is that the band’s sound isn’t just about showcasing traditional Middle Eastern sounds. It’s also about influence.  And what CTS does is distinctively combine these traditional sounds with the best of metal and rock.  It’s an unexpected but beautiful marriage of sounds. It’s organic and raw while being mystical and spiritual.  I felt like a school girl as the boys broke into a seductive Nine Inch Nails tease with a mix of “Hurt” and “Closer”. I like that the music isn’t just about showcasing a unique musical skill set, but also displays the positive influence of an edgier sound. 

  

What’s almost as noteworthy as the music is the trio themselves.  I had the pleasure of speaking with the members of CTS after the show Friday night and there isn’t an ounce of conceit in them.  They seem eager to talk to their fans about their music.  I watched a cluster of excited fans line-up at the bands merch table to snap photos, shake hands and meet the men behind the music.  Jon even obliged me in a shameful after-show selfie.  And this factor is important. 

I recently talked with someone about what I call “Creed” syndrome.  As a radio girl of the 90’s I had “pleasure” of working with the band Creed, whose popularity sprung up overnight.  And unfortunately success went to their head just as fast.  I can only imagine that it’s hard when your fans want a piece of you, and I acknowledge that it’s equally important to set boundaries as you gain more success. However, it’s also important to maintain a sense of gratitude and dignity especially towards your fans. Once you begin to alienate your fan base, you can kiss your longevity in the music business good bye.   Without the fans there to buy your music and your merch and attend your shows, you’re as good as in your parents basement rehearsing. 

CTS not only graciously interacts with their fans, but they also educate. Through The Source Academy, the band provides lessons and clinics on a variety of performance based categories. It’s a huge sign to see a band willing to give back.  Granted, they aren’t doing it for free, but the commitment to educate others is a huge sign of their heart and spirit.  It’s easy to support a band when you feel emotionally invested in their music.  And when a band makes themselves accessible, the investment the fans make is even greater.

Music is a lot like beauty; what is showcased on the outside is a direct product of what’s on the inside.  CTS has no difficulty in staying true to their musical passion.  In the process, they create an ear-splitting, face-melting, mind-blowing musical journey.  And it’s one astonishing magical adventure. If you haven’t experienced Consider the Source live, I highly recommend it.   I have a long three month wait until I get to see them again.  Several of my friends going to the Night Lights Fall Music Festival, where CTS is one of the weekend headliners, haven’t even heard their music yet.  And that fact excites me.  Because I know what will happen.  I can’t wait to watch the expressions on their faces emerge as they experience the unique and eclectic sound that is the magic of Consider the Source.   

  

The Set List

Nietzsche’s June 6, 2014

You Go Squish Now  
Closer To Home 
Abdiel 
I Will Fight For The Imp 
Ninjanuity  
Prophet For Profit  
Tihai For The Straight Guy  
Good Point Wandering Bear  
Keep Your Pimp Hand Strong  
Ol' Chomper  
The Great Circuiting